Outback Misadventures

If you happen to be one of the millions of outdoor enthusiasts, sooner or later you will be faced with the real need of a “bathroom, restroom, lavatory, outhouse, can, privy, or what ever you want to call it.” That’s just they way it is. How you handle it, is quite another matter.

I have heard of some people “backing” up against a tree. I have heard of some who look for just the right log. I know a lot of folks who won’t go into the woods, because there are no “facilities” out there. That’s the reason they never venture more than 200 yards from their motor homes. What a shame!!
Personally I prefer the old “hunker” method, but it too, has its weak points. Before you ask if I would demonstrate it, forget it!

It seems that the old “suspenders” always get in the way, and it can not only be embarrassing, but it can be down right ugly. Many of a fine woodsman has had to put up with a ton or “ribbing” from his fellow hunters, because of a simple oversight. I brought this subject up because “YOU” thought that you were the only person that was plagued with this curse.

The only way I can write this subject, is share some of my own experiences. This subject isn’t something that most enjoy telling around the camp fire. My Owner (wife) tells me that I’m a “sick dog” for even finding any humor in it.

Most hunters find a good place where they can watch out over a good area to watch for game to pass. I have found that to be the worse thing to do. I had a big buck to go crashing out of a thicket behind me two times. I never got a shot off either time. I learned to never lay your rifle out of reach! I never get caught looking down hill either. I can’t tell you why, but deer always wait until you are at a big disadvantage before they make their break. Another good point to consider is when you are in grizzly country; you must be able to shoot at all times.
I will “never” know how those mosquitoes, with such a small brain, can be so smart. They wait until you have your garments all gathered up, then dive-bomb you like a squadron of Kamikaze pilots. I guess they have figured out that you can’t put up much of a fight with both hands full. About all that you can do is “blow” at them and call them precious little names, neither of which seems to slow them down. The worse thing is getting caught scratching those bites. I’ve had others say, “Got a little itch there, Bubba?”

The whole point to this story is to better equip you with some of the more important issues. I can’t stress enough the importance of this next valuable lesson. “When you are in the woods, NEVER think that you are alone.” Always believe that if it is hunting season, others are out there too. I learned this the hard way, as I learn most things.

The ill-fated day was during an early fall deer hunting adventure. I had been eating one of those late evening “mulligans,” the night before. It had consisted of a can of beef stew mixed with a couple of can of chilli beans. When you are a kid, that’s what you ate in camp, due to the lack of proper cooking skills.

I was out before daylight heading for a good vantage point where I knew that the deer were going to pass. Being young and dumb, I had failed to acknowledge the pain in my stomach, until it was almost too late. I then ran for the nearest brush thicket. At first I heard a muffled kind of a sound. Then I looked all around to see where it had come from. I could see no one, anywhere, and felt safe. I managed to gather up my garments and head back to my ground blind, when I heard it again. I looked up to see a bow hunter sitting up in a tree stand, not 30 feet from me! He had been sitting there watching a stupid kid, who thought he was hiding from the world. He had tears in his eyes and a red face. I think that I must have had a “sheepish” look on my face, because I could hear him laughing for a half of a mile.

During a mule deer hunt in Wyoming, a friend of mine was walking on a ridge a half of a mile away. Al had been walking for some time when it became necessary to take a break. I had my 60 power spotting scope set up watching for deer, when I spotted Al heading for some brush. I thought he was going to hide and watch for a while. I noticed that he began taking off his coat, and laying his rifle on it. I told my wife that Old Al was about to take “care of business” over on the ridge. He thought that the distance was far enough to be safe. She snapped something like, “What are you going to do, watch him?” I said, “Naw, I was just going to see if he was dumb enough to do it.”

When I brought it up around the camp fire that evening, he had a “sheepish” look on his face too. That happened many years ago. I thought I would share it with you so maybe you won’t make the same mistake, then again, I’ll bet you already have.